216 Days

There are so many good things happening in my life I would like to share with those who are reading my blog, friends, family, strangers, but those are events I do not want to reflect upon.  The most influential part of my life is actually very depressing. I want to share that I have lied and manipulated events in my past thinking I wasn't going to hurt anyone. Instead, a story as old as time, I hurt those who I lied too and put myself into a spiral of grievance and regret. Granted, the lies could have always been worse, more could have happened, but any lie of any depth all hurts the same.

It has been a year since the events of these lies took place but I have come to realization that I have never forgiven myself. Granted I am not crying every night or anything. I am behaving in a healthy manner, just a lot more sadness in my reflections. Lately I have spent too much time thinking of the past, and am making a conscious effort to focus on the future. I have friends who are getting married, my sister is getting married, I am getting a new brother, and in 216 days I am starting my 5-year 4-country journey. My journey to learn, gain more confidence, become more cultured, and most importantly make more mistakes.

There are great moments in life. Moments that make me feel invincible, historic even there is so much happiness and positive energy. Then there are more ugly moments. Events and choices that show uglier parts of ourselves that we try to cover up and conceal. These moments make me cherish the good ones that much more. They are also a reminder that I am only human, I am not something larger or better. These parts of myself let me see the good in others when they make poor choices and remind me to be humble and forgive. Forgiveness isn't always something I feel I can earn for lies and poor choices I have made, but between the good and the bad I keep hope that I'll receive the forgiveness from others and even more importantly find the strength to forgive myself.